By Indigo Griffiths
I hate this industry. The financial instability, toxic positivity and endless unfairness of it all. For months, this thought has weighed me down and raised a question I never believed I would seriously consider… do I even want to be an actor anymore?
My professional career began in 2016. I’ve done plays, commercials and in 2019 booked my first ever television gig. Okay, it was one line of dialogue but that didn’t dampen my enthusiasm! I have what some would call a consistent career. There’s been long periods of unemployment, but I’ve worked. However, like the majority of actors (98% in fact), I earn most of my income from non-acting jobs. Teaching, nannying, waitressing, temping – I’ve done it all.
In summer 2020 I hit the jackpot. I booked a lead role in a children’s television show. I loved it. Like, I loved it. Going to set every day, being on camera, learning and creating. I was beyond grateful and excited. Finally, my hard work was paying off. And it confirmed to me this was what I was meant to do. Acting was the reason I was put on this earth. Nothing brought me joy like it.
I anticipated that job would open the door to other things. I wasn’t delusional or greedy. I wasn’t expecting a big movie or the lead in the next hit Netflix show. I hoped for more TV work - small roles where I could continue to build my experience. The classic guest role in Doctors or Silent Witness. I’d love a West End credit, I enthused to my agent. Ensemble or understudy, I’ll do anything! I would continue to work hard, become a better actor, build connections, book roles. Eventually, I would make my income through acting.
What I didn’t expect was for things to go back exactly the way they’d been before, with few auditions and long stretches of unemployment. I didn’t expect to be hit with a tax bill that was thousands more than I budgeted for. And I certainly didn’t expect that in January 2022, I would be hit by an uninsured car driving on the wrong side of the road.
This delightful holy trinity of events left me in a dire financial situation that half a year later I am yet to recover from.
I always knew being an actor meant being poor. However, I also had the naivete or (to be kind to myself) sheer self-belief things would work out. Sure, I may never be a movie star, but one day I would comfortably be able to pay my rent, do fun things with friends, go on holidays and start saving for a home.
Only here I am, at the end of my twenties, six years out of drama school, worse off financially then when I graduated.
But you’ve worked, family and friends say to me, look at the positives, something else will come up. They’re right. Nonetheless a bitter, frightening question rears its head…
Is this as good as it gets?
Living hand to mouth, sacrificing stability and social activities, all for the chance to do a (often underpaid and sometimes unfulfilling) acting gig here and there.
I deserve better.
Now, that isn’t to say I deserve more than any other actor out there. My story isn’t unique. Like a lot of you reading this, I’ve always wanted to be an actor. I was desperate to be in every school play. As a child, I would re-enact scenes from movies, put on shows for my family and obsessively read interviews with actors. I didn’t get into drama school at seventeen. So, I went off to Uni and auditioned for post-graduate courses after. Eventually I got into one. I took out a loan and fundraised to pay my fees. Hardly any industry professionals turned up to my showcase. So, I hustled to get an agent. Then I hustled to get a better one. And a better one. I went to classes, took courses, waitressed, babysat, cleaned, taught. I missed holidays, festivals, parties and more. Usually because I couldn’t afford them but sometimes because I was so focused on following my dream. How could I go out when I had an audition the next morning? I realised how unhealthy this was. I learnt to switch off and not get all my happiness and self-worth from acting. I became happier. I booked acting jobs.
And yet…
Here I am, disillusioned, debt-ridden and unemployed.
If you’ve got this far thank you for sticking with me. I apologise for the doom and gloom. I can’t promise it will become rainbows and sunshine but I will tell you what I did to get out of this rut.
1) Absolutely Nothing.
Rubbish things will happen. You may not get hit by a car, lose all your savings and not work for months. But unfortunately you will have a rough time of it at some point. Sometimes all we can do is sit in the horribleness of it all and know (in the words of Whitney Houston) it’s not right but it’s okay.
As a usually positive and motivated person, to be frozen by indecision and sadness was incredibly frightening. But it did make some things clearer. Mainly which things were making me the most unhappy. And with this discovery, I could take action.
2) Say No.
It’s a cliché for a reason. As an actor we chase the yes. We love it. And we don’t like no - whether it’s given to us or we’re the ones saying it. Because who knows where that opportunity will lead.
BUT…
You can’t live your life in anticipation of what’s coming next. We must live the life that’s currently being dealt to us.
(Actors, read that sentence again and again until you really believe it.)
For me, my big no was commercial castings. Depending on how you look at it, I was very lucky or unlucky to get lots of commercial castings. They present an opportunity for big money. They’re also always last minute. The stress of missing work (and therefore money), finding cover and putting my life on hold all for the very slim chance of a yes was making me (and my bank balance) bitter and unhappy. I had that call with my agent who was thankfully supportive. So, I said goodbye to commercials and hello to… nothing.
With commercial castings no longer happening my actual acting auditions were few and far in between. I found myself back at step one. No auditions, no money and a string of bad luck in an industry that doesn’t leave much room for misfortune. So, what next…?
3) Accept It.
Things weren’t working for me. The solution? Go and work in a different industry that would offer me money and career progression. It’s exactly what I wanted. So why did the idea of it make me so unhappy. Make me feel embarrassed and like I had failed and hadn’t tried hard enough (all of which is rubbish.) But more than that, the prospect of moving on from acting was extraordinarily sad. I wasn’t ready to let go. I reasoned with myself. My dreams just hadn’t worked out and maybe they were even changing. It took months, but I finally accepted that statement. I went through a grieving period for the career I wanted and like so many others, knew that I deserved.
So, to answer that big question. Do I still want to be an actor? Yes! No! Maybe… I don’t know.
Bloody hell I hear you cry! You made me read all this and you don’t know! I’m sorry but it’s true. In fact, my feelings at the top of this blog post are the same. I love to act. But I hate this industry. Hate that my career is like playing a game of snakes and ladders. It could change for better or for worse at the drop of a hat. And yes there is some excitement in that – who knows, a week after writing this blog I could book a fabulous role and be whisked away on a plane somewhere delightful and sunny. But the older I get, the more unwilling I feel to take that risk.
The next step then? To make acting work for me.
4) I’ve Got The Power!
There are many things I can’t control in this industry. But I don’t have to be beholden to it. I can say no to projects and auditions that don’t offer me a decent wage or creative satisfaction. I can accept that right now, things haven’t worked the way I wanted. I can be sad about that. I can step away and take a break. I can research and train in a side hustle that doesn’t simply ‘pay the bills’ but offers me a good income and happiness.
I am currently doing all these things. It’s a strange place to be in. To be grieving your career yet still holding out hope for it. To swing between delusion and reality. But funnily enough, I’m beginning to find stability in that. I can take the best bits; the auditions I feel passionate about, the friendships and community, the fun and creativity, and revel in them. And I can turn my back whenever I want and get money, calm and happiness elsewhere.
I haven’t got it all figured out and my life definitely isn’t perfect. But I have found intrigue and joy on my journey into other industries outside acting – something I never thought would happen. I’m starting to envision and work towards a new type of life. In some ways I’m thinking of myself as a part-time actor. And whilst that wasn’t my original dream, for me framing it like this gives me back control and hope. It takes away the all-consuming financial and emotional pressures whilst still allowing me to do the thing I love. Sometimes I will book great acting jobs. Sometimes I won’t. Being an actor is as simple and complex as that. Embrace the simplicity. Give the industry your thanks when it smiles on you and your middle finger when it doesn’t.
Most importantly, create your own safety net. Find happiness and financial stability in other areas. Even if that means taking a break to figure those things out. The industry will always be there. You on the other hand, can come and go and give as little or as much as you want. The choice is yours.
Indigo is an actor and writer hustling it out in the big city. When she’s not checking her emails for the fiendishly elusive ‘You got the job!’, she can be found baking in the kitchen (@indigobakes0 - TikTok) or embarrassing herself at Pineapple Dance Studios (no social media evidence of that thankfully but the occasional tweet or instagram post can be found @IndigoGriffiths.)