By Lauren Clancey
The self-tape. It seems simple enough. Stick a camera up, do a take, send it to your agent - Bobs your Uncle. All done. Nice.
Anyone who has ever made a self-tape knows it’s not always that easy. These are the honest six stages of the self-tape.
The Email
You’re midway through your day-job shift. There’s been a couple of grumbly customers here and there. Maybe you’ve been so busy you haven’t had your tea yet. Anyway, you’re just about to have you well-earned lunch. DING. You look at your phone. It’s a self-tape request. Right. Okay. All stations GO. It’s time to make your arrangements. Gotta cancel those drinks this evening. You’re probably going to kindly ask your mum/partner/housemate if they would mind reading with you...
The Last-Minute Line Learn
Sometimes you will get a self-tape request with a few days to prep. Great! It can still be hard fitting it in amongst all your other commitments, but you’ve got this! If you don’t get a few days and the deadline is this evening...then the next few hours are going to be interesting. Cue learning lines on a packed tube or stealing glances at your sides in-between serving coffee.
The Set Up
So you’ve rushed home, dumped your bags and ran to your room. Operation Turn This Tiny Space Into A Film Studio commences. Now, this is where things can get interesting. If you have a complete set of fully functioning equipment - yay! This makes this bit a lot easier. If not, it’s time to use your imagination, folks. All manner of household equipment will be used as tripods, backdrops, props - you name it. I have been known to cut open an entire duvet cover to make it double in length. I then ironed said cover on a very small ironing board. All for the sake of a backdrop. Let me tell you, people, do not do this at home. It takes roughly a million years.
The Takes
You’re in the throes of filming. You watch yourself over and over again. Your face begins to lose meaning. Who am I? Why does my mouth do that? What am I saying? Maybe I could just start all over again? OK. And STOP. Just stop. Don’t go down this path. You don’t need to micromanage your eyebrows. You’re doing fine. After all that, you’re probably going to go with the first take anyway...
The Editing
This is about the time the app you’ve been using soundlessly for the past few months decides to crash. Or, you have no storage left on your device. So it’s time to furiously delete multiple photos that you’ve left to mount up. You send the tape over via WeTransfer only for your agent to say it has no sound. ‘How? HOW!?’, you say. And...breathe.
The Finale
Everything has been sent over to your agent. They’re happy, you’re happy. You made it through another self-tape saga alive. Congratulations! A cup of tea or glass of wine is strongly recommended to celebrate. Whatever you do at this point do not re-watch your tape. You might notice you accidentally left the ironing board in shot...
Lauren Clancey is an actor and writer. She can often be found hiding behind a book on busy tubes. Her Twitter handle is @LaurenClancey